Leaps of Faith

I have taken quite the hiatus from blogging and I apologize to anyone who has actually checked this site. Things have changed dramatically in my life and I figure that now is as good a time as any to pick this back up. As anyone who has read this knows I have been a pediatric oncology and bone marrow transplant nurse for the past 6 years. Working with kids with cancer has become as much a part of my identity as being a nurse. But after several long months of soul searching I have decided to take a huge leap of faith and resign from my position at Children's Hospital and begin a new career at the community hospital in my city. I have worked for Children's Hospital for 9 of my 10 years of being a nurse so this change is turning my world upside down. My last shift was the last week of January and the first week of February I had what was supposed to be a very simple surgery on my hand. I was planning on starting my new position after a quick two week recovery. That two week recovery has now turned into a 6 month or longer recovery, pushing my start date back by almost 6 weeks. I wish I could say this time off has been blissful but it's been amazingly frustrating. Not only have I been in pain related to the surgery (lifting up my two year old, buckling his car seat, brushing my hair) have all been excruciatingly painful. But this time off has been time for me to think, to second guess and to stress over my recent decision to turn my career upsidedown and inside out. What was I thinking?! I have given up seniority, a job that I felt competent at, peers that I not only respected but loved as my own family, patients and families that leave me forever changed, more pay, consistency...I have given all of that up for what? Yes it's a closer commute but general pediatrics is a population I haven't taken care of in over 7 years, and I had to agree to be willing to take care of adults...ADULTS?! Just that word alone can strike fear in the hearts of the most hardened and steadfast pediatric nurse. I have been searching for new jobs, contemplating running back to my old unit, literally every thought has flooded my newly anxious mind with the one resound fear...what was I thinking. The fact of the matter is...I have accepted a position. I have agreed on a lower salary and a completely new and different patient population and I need to embrace that. Am I still a pediatric oncology nurse? Yes. I will always have those memories of those patients, this kids and their families have fundamentally changed the way I look at life. But underneath it all I am a nurse. I will have the opportunity to touch and be touched by new lives and it's time to embrace the fear. To get settled in that place and stretch my comfort zone. I have realized during these 8 weeks off that down to my marrow I am a NURSE. I NEED to be in patients rooms, I need to be in the presence of sick and suffering people because that is where I feel most in touch with myself and my calling. Will it be different, terrifying and quite possibly disgusting in ways I have yet to experience...sure, but it is a chance to deepen my understanding of why I was drawn to this career in the first place. When I was first thinking of making this big change I contacted one of my very first clinical managers, someone I worked with when I was only two years into my nursing career and her words have become my new mantra, "Leaps of faith are my favorite exercise". So here is to change, here is to becoming a deeper person, here is to expanding our knowledge and awareness of all kinds of patients, and here is to my commitment to never stop discovering and rediscovering why I was called to be a nurse in the first place. I can't wait to say the words, "Good morning! My name is Ashley and I get to be your nurse today. What can I do for you to make sure today is a great day?"